Sometimes, it's easier to tell a friend you like their mediocre gift or sugar-coat your feelings about their new love interest than share how you really feel.
It might not always feel great after the fact, but according to Gail Heyman, a developmental psychologist at the University of California San Diego, learning to lie is a natural part of human development.
In one 2017 study from Hangzhou Normal University and UCSD, Heyman had toddlers play a one-on-one game with an experimenter in which the toddlers hid a treat under a cup while the experimenter closed their eyes. The children were told they could keep the treat if the experimenter did not find it. When the experimenter opened their eyes, they had to look under whichever cup the kid pointed to.
"So if the child pointed to the wrong cup, then the experimenter would pick the wrong cup and then the child would win the prize instead of the experimenter," said Heyman.
Over the ten-day experiment, most of the young children figured out how to deceive the experimenters and win the treats. Heyman's research suggests that we learn to lie early and can do so without any special instructions. But as we get older and our cognitive abilities expand, our fibs become more sophisticated.
Jacquelyn Johnson, a psychologist based in Los Angeles, says that many of our white lies can happen reflexively and are motivated by our desire to preserve our sense of belonging.
"Sometimes when we've done something wrong [and] people are upset, it taps into the very primal part of our brain that is worried about what the consequences or punishment may be for us," says Johnson.
When are lies harmless or hurtful? Experts weigh in on when it's ok to lie, how lying can undermine our relationships and values and how to cut back on lying if you want.
Knowing when it's OK to tell a white lie
When accompanying a friend while wedding dress shopping, Gail Heyman found herself at a fork in the road when her friend requested her feedback — which dress did she like best? Her friend had a clear favorite – a dress that Heyman happened to dislike.
"In that case, I lied and said that I like the same one." Heyman would've said something if the dress had a giant stain or a glaring defect, but in this instance, she recognized her friend had already decided and just needed affirmation. Heyman's opinion wasn't as relevant to her friend as was her support, so she told a white lie. "I knew that what she wanted was validation because she has trouble making decisions."
It might not matter all that much if you tell a white lie to make a friend feel good occasionally. But when it comes to the most meaningful relationships in your life, protecting a friend's feelings at all costs can sometimes set them up for failure.
"If a person's practicing for a job interview and it's a few days before their interview, and they give an answer that you think is not good at all and you don't tell them because you don't want to hurt their feelings, that's really not very nice to them, right? Because they have an opportunity to fix that thing," says Heyman.
Knowing when a friend or loved one is seeking honest feedback can be difficult. The best way to find out is to ask them what they need — do they want your opinion? Or do they want you to listen to them vent?
Be careful — lying can lead to more lies
If you knew you wouldn't face any consequences, would you lie more often?
That's what Tali Sharot, a professor of cognitive neuroscience at University College London, wanted to find out. In a 2016 UCL study, she explored how people would respond to the opportunity to lie.
Participants played a simple game where lying was the secret to gaining an advantage over their opponents. As the game progressed, the players realized there wouldn't be any significant consequences for their fibs.
As they were playing the game, Sharot used brain-imaging technology to see what was happening in their brains. At the beginning of the game, the amygdala, the part of the brain that houses emotional arousal, noticeably responded. But as they told more lies, the emotional response decreased – meaning the players became more and more desensitized to their dishonesty with each subsequent lie. Sharot calls this the 'slippery slope.'
"That one little lie can turn into bigger and bigger and bigger lies over time because you just get used to it," says Sharot. "You habituate emotionally and it changes your behavior."
Cutting back starts with noticing your triggers and remembering your values
If you're worried you're lying a bit too much, try and notice when you're tempted to bend the truth. Jacquelyn Johnson thinks it's best to do this when you're not actually in the middle of reacting to those triggers.
"Sometimes it rolls off the tongue so quickly and easily," says Johnson. "What are the cues for you that let you know you're about to tell a lie?"
Let's say you're prone to telling white lies when it comes to work – maybe you've had a lot on your plate and fell behind, or something in your personal life is distracting you from your responsibilities. Rather than making up an excuse to your boss, you can pre-plan your answer so you don't panic and slip into a lie.
For Johnson, part of this involves ditching an emotions-based response to triggering situations. Shifting your attention away from shame and focusing more on your values can be a healthy way to start looking at this more proactively.
"Who do you want to be in these situations? What matters to you? Am I a person that values truth-telling even when it's hard, or even when I may risk how people see me?"
The audio portion of this episode was reported by Frank Festa, produced by Thomas Lu and edited by Meghan Keane.
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